Actually Grab,
He was on our side by the way it reads to me, Most folk were a bit PO'd with the first bit to but once they got into it, really it is quite a compliment.
Dogger
Some jokes for ya
-
Dogger Dan
- Posts: 3168
- Joined: Thursday Aug 26, 2004 10:43 am
- Location: Lucan, Ontario, Canada
-
Guest
Sure you've seen it before surfin the brewwws, but just in case...
http://www.tastybrew.com/humor/
It starts slow, but there's a couple that make me laugh.
(in a nonsensical Homer Simpson voice..."it's funny 'cause it's true...")
http://www.tastybrew.com/humor/
It starts slow, but there's a couple that make me laugh.
(in a nonsensical Homer Simpson voice..."it's funny 'cause it's true...")
-
Dogger Dan
- Posts: 3168
- Joined: Thursday Aug 26, 2004 10:43 am
- Location: Lucan, Ontario, Canada
Dictionary for Women's Personal Ads
40-ish....................................................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone
Athletic.............................................No tits
Average looking......................................Ugly
Beautiful.................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secue......................On medication
Feminist..................................................Fat
Free spirit............................................Junkie
Friendship first...............................Former slut
Fun.................................................Annoying
New-Age...............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.......................................No BJs
Open-minded....................................Desperate
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................................Sloppy drunk
Professional........................................B i t c h
Voluptuous.........................................Very Fat
Large frame......................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate....................................Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
40-ish....................................................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone
Athletic.............................................No tits
Average looking......................................Ugly
Beautiful.................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secue......................On medication
Feminist..................................................Fat
Free spirit............................................Junkie
Friendship first...............................Former slut
Fun.................................................Annoying
New-Age...............Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned.......................................No BJs
Open-minded....................................Desperate
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate....................................Sloppy drunk
Professional........................................B i t c h
Voluptuous.........................................Very Fat
Large frame......................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate....................................Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
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Beer Krout
- Posts: 180
- Joined: Monday Dec 06, 2004 11:55 am
- Location: Melbourne
Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk........
a) Thanks, but I don't want to kiss you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to barf in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk........
a) Thanks, but I don't want to kiss you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to barf in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
-
Oliver
- Administrator
- Posts: 3424
- Joined: Thursday Jul 22, 2004 1:22 am
- Location: West Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
An oldie but a goodie.
Oliver
Enjoy your English while you can.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
Oliver
Enjoy your English while you can.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
-
Dogger Dan
- Posts: 3168
- Joined: Thursday Aug 26, 2004 10:43 am
- Location: Lucan, Ontario, Canada
I took my youngest son to see Star Wars the other day, he really enjoyed the movie but was upset because he didn't understand the big furry thing.
"That" I said, "Is a Wookie."
And don't worry about not understanding it,
Its just the way the Wookie mumbles.
Dogger
PS You may need to say it to yourselves a few times. If that doesn't work have a few beers on my tab and try it again.
"That" I said, "Is a Wookie."
And don't worry about not understanding it,
Its just the way the Wookie mumbles.
Dogger
PS You may need to say it to yourselves a few times. If that doesn't work have a few beers on my tab and try it again.
"Listening to someone who brews their own beer is like listening to a religous fanatic talk about the day he saw the light" Ross Murray, Montreal Gazette
-
nanna Gail
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Friday Feb 04, 2005 10:58 pm
- Location: Dandenong-ish
Last year I had all my windows replaced with those expensive, double glazed, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Man oh man, did we have a round for round.
Just because I'm blonde does not automatically make me stupid. I proceeded to tell him just what the fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I hung up and have not heard a thing since.
I guess I won that stupid argument!!!
Man oh man, did we have a round for round.
Just because I'm blonde does not automatically make me stupid. I proceeded to tell him just what the fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I hung up and have not heard a thing since.
I guess I won that stupid argument!!!
enjoy life
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the cubicle
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
TOP SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
Bartender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth!
Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
You've fallen and you can't get up.
When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack....
Bartender! Get me another Bar!
The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
Old Chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old Doctors never die, they just loss their patience.
Old Electricians never die, they just loss contact.
Old Actors don't die, they just get smaller parts.
Old Mathematicians never die, they just tend to zero.
Old Beer makers never die, they just reach their lowest gravity.
Old Soldiers never die. Young Ones do.
---------
A phillosopher and a Preist are having a civilised disgussion. Through out the coarse of the event, things take a turn for the worst. Eventually the preist describes the phillosophy as a "blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat, that doesn't exist". The philosopher calmly replies "that may be, but a preist would have found it"
----------
What do you say to a home brewer in a three peice suit??
Will the defendant please rise!
---------
Keep it reel lads
Old Doctors never die, they just loss their patience.
Old Electricians never die, they just loss contact.
Old Actors don't die, they just get smaller parts.
Old Mathematicians never die, they just tend to zero.
Old Beer makers never die, they just reach their lowest gravity.
Old Soldiers never die. Young Ones do.
---------
A phillosopher and a Preist are having a civilised disgussion. Through out the coarse of the event, things take a turn for the worst. Eventually the preist describes the phillosophy as a "blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat, that doesn't exist". The philosopher calmly replies "that may be, but a preist would have found it"
----------
What do you say to a home brewer in a three peice suit??
Will the defendant please rise!
---------
Keep it reel lads
-
Oliver
- Administrator
- Posts: 3424
- Joined: Thursday Jul 22, 2004 1:22 am
- Location: West Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were
killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were
killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
brazillion?"
