Some jokes for ya

[gregb]

...a little tasteless...

bit like Heineken really..

Cheers,
Greg

[Dogger Dan]

I didn't have to many issues with it, being a Yank and all.....

Dogger

[Oliver]

I didn't have to many issues with it, being a Yank and all

Love your work, Dogger

Oliver

[Dogger Dan]

Think I'll let it go now.......Maybe

Dogger

[steveo]

A man walks into a bar. As he passes the cigarette machine, he hears it say, "You smell bad and you are ugly". Then he hears a voice apparently coming from a nearby plate of peanuts. "You really are a very handsome young man" the nuts claim.

The man turns to the bartender and asks for an explanation.

The bartender replies "The cigarette machine is out of order and the nuts are complimentary."

[gregb]

In 2001 if you had bought $1000.00 of One-Tel stock, it would now be worth about $9.00 to you as an unsecured creditor if you are lucky. In 2002 if you had bought HIH stock, you would have about $6.50 left of the original $1,000.00. In 2003 if you had gone overseas and bought ENRON you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer only one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminium recycling price, you would have $24.00.

Based on the above, the best investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[yardglass]

An old man sits quietly on the bench waiting for the bus,

Along comes the Punk with hair all over the place like a mad woman's shit, every colour you can imagine, attitude pouring out of every orrifice.

he sits right next to the old bloke....

The old bloke has a casual look, then snaps his head back head and stares like a wildman at the sight before him...

The Punk, a bit unnerved by this unwanted attention proclaims,

'' Hey Pop, havn't you ever done anything wild or crazy'' ?

To which the old bloke replies

'' Yeah, I got drunk once and f---ed a Peacock, I was thinking you might be my boy....

[111222333]

Howard is feelling guilty. No matter how he tries to forget about it, he cant. The guilt and scence of betrayal are overwhelming.
Every once in a while a soothing voice in his head tries to reasure him "Howard, you are not the first, and will not be the last, doctor to sleep with a patient"
But invariably the other voice brings him back to reality, "Howard, you are a veterinarian"

[Dogger Dan]

Series

And I come from a land where men are men and sheep are nervous. Nothing wrong with a good pair of wellies and some velcro gloves



Dogger

[grabman]

I didn't know you were a Kiwi originally Dogger!!!

[Hrundi V Bakshi]

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

[yardglass]

England and Pakistan playing in the World Cup Final...

Pakistan got a free corner....

So they built a Shop on it.

[Oliver]

If you hate Port "Power", check out this little site:

http://users.pipeline.com.au/obw/

If you're a Port fan, you probably shouldn't visit!

Cheers,

Oliver

[db]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either

[Dogger Dan]

Holy Shite db,


That took some stones, beat them at their own game, good for you.

Dogger

[r.magnay]

Or probably for sometime yet!!!

[gregb]

Swiped this from Grumpys, gave me a smile.

Our yeasties,
That art in starters
Hallowed be thine ale
Thy weizen come
In kegs
As they do in longnecks.
Give us this day
Our daily beer
And forgive us our infections
As we sterilize those
Who infect against us.
Lead us to fermentation
And deliver us from VB.
For thine is the wort
The malt, and the hops.
For ale and lager.

Amen.

Cheers,
Greg

[yardglass]

a couple of blokes from the bush decide to head for the bright lights of the city for a bit of R&R.

straight into the first Pub they see for a coldie, bloke#1 spots a good looking shiela and decides to chat her up...

bloke#2 duly informs his mate not to bother as he thinks she is a Lesbian.

a few more beers and bloke#1 is insistent that he should have a crack at the bird,
bloke#2 says he's mad, ''she's a Lesbian''.

bloke#1 says bugger it mate, i'm going over.
with his suavest, coolest look, he asks..

So... what part of Lesbia are you from luv ?

cheers

[grabman]

The Rooster Puzzle...
>
>A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
>me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
>
>started."
>
>Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>
>The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
>
>Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
>in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He
>
>studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
>
>to her and says,
>
>"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
>assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
>
>He takes her hand and says,
>
>"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
>then....."
>
>he sighed,
>
>"...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[JaCk_SpArRoW]

Elton John is getting divorced already.....He found out that his husband was having sex behind his back!