Seppo bastard seeks help learning Aussie slang

[benson]

here's some more

off like a bucket of prawns in the noon day sun

or

off like a arab's armpit

[petesbrew]

So hungry I could bite the crotch off a low-flying duck

So hungry I could eat a horse and chase the jockey

Cleared out quicker than a fart in a fan factory

or the old favourite, "garn git farked"

[James L]

refering to someones ability to drive:

"you couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dogs arse"

refering to someones organisational skills

" you couldnt organise a root in a brothel with a hand full of fifty's"

refering to the ability of someones fighting skills

"you couldnt fight your way out of a paper bag"

refering to someones car

" that car is so gutless it wouldnt tear the skin off custard"

[blandy]

More on driving skills:

"must have got their licence out of a cornflakes packet"

[TommyH]

Slightly off-topic Kip, but I was wondering if you had heard this from a few years ago.

I'm sure the guys will decipher it for you if need be.

Cheers

AUSTIN TAYSHUS AUSTRALIANA LYRICS

Sittin' at home last Sunday mornin' me mate Boomer rang. Said he was havin' a few people around for a barbie. Said he might Cook a burra or two.

I said, "Sounds great, will Walla be there?"

He said "Yeah and Vegie might come too".

So I said to the wife "Do you wanna go Anna?". She said "I'll go if Ding goes".

So I said to Boomer "What'll we do about Nulla?"

He said "Nulla bores me to tears, leave him at home."

We got to the party about two and walked straight out the kitchen to put some booze in the fridge. And you wouldn't believe it, there's Boomer's wife Warra sittin there tryin to plait her puss!

Now, I don't like to speak ill o' Warra, but I was shocked, I mean how much can a Koala bare.

So I grabbed a beer, flashed me wanga at her and went out and joined the party.

Pretty soon Ayers rocks in and things really started jumpin'. This Indian girl, Marsu, turns up, dying to go to the toilet but she couldn't find it. I said to me mate Al, "Hey, where can Marsu pee Al?" He said "She can go outback with the fellas, she's probably seen a cock or too".

Well just then Warra comes out of the kitchen with a few drinks for everybody. Fairdinkum, you've never seen a cooler bar maid. I grabbed a beer and said, "Thanks Warra - tah".

A couple of Queenslanders at the party, one smellin' pretty strongly of aftershave. He sat down next to me and I turned to him and I said, "Ya know mate, You reek o' Stockade!"

It was a really hot day; Oscar felt like a swim. He said to Ina, "Do you want a have a dip in the river Ina?" She said "I haven't got my cossie Oscar".

Well Bo says, "Come in starkers, what'll 'ey care!"
Ina says "What, without so much as a thread Bo?" Ah, perish 'er thought! Has Eucum been in yet?

Well a few of the blokes decided to play some cricket. Boomer says "Why doesn't Wom bat?" "Yeah, and let Tenter field".

He said I should have a bowl but I was too out of it to play cricket so I suggested a game of cards. I said to Lyptus "Wanna game of Euca Lyptus?" He said "There's no point mate, Dah wins everytime."

Well Bill said he'd like a smoke. Nobody knew where the dope was stashed. I said "I think Maree knows." But I was just spinning a bit of a yarn. Barry pulls a joint out of his pocket. Bill says "Great, Barry, a reefer. What is it mate?" "Noosa Heads of course. Me mate Ada laid 'em on me." And it was a great joint too, blew Mountains away and his three sisters.

Well I thought I'd roll one meself, I said "Chuck us the Tally Ho Bart". He said "They're out on the Lawn, Ceston, can you get em for us?" Burnie says "It's okay mate, she's apples, I'll get em for ya"

Just then Alice springs into action, starts to pack Bill a bong. And you wouldn't believe it, the bongs broken. I said "Lord, How?" "Hay-man" somebody said "Will a Didgeridoo?" I said "Hummmmm mummmm mummmmm mummmmm maybe it'll have ta."

I look in the corner and there's Bass sittin there, not getting into it, not getting out of it, I said "What, is Bass straight or somthin?" Boomer said "As a matter a fact mate, he's a cop" I said "Ya jokin mate, a cop, I'm getting outta here, let's go Anna." She said "No way, I'm hangin round till Gum leaves. Besides, I don't wanna leave Jack around a party on his own. Have you seen him? I think he's trying to crack on to Woomba, he's already tried to mount Isa And he'll definitely try to lead you astray Liana!"
Thank you and goodnight!

[Flippo]

You couldn't knock a chinaman off his sister / that would knock a chinaman off his sister

I couldn't give a tinkers cuss

dry as a pommies towel

[warra48]

Couldn't organise himself to get stung in a beehive.

Tighter than a duck's arse, and that's watertight.

That tightarse suffers from short arms and long pockets.

[yardglass]

busier than one legged man at an arse kicking contest.

[mobydick]

I'm off, like a toilet on a Taiwanese prawn trawler....

So tight, he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him

Couldn't organise a fart at a curry convention

As crooked as a dogs hind leg

A straight talker - he calls a spade a f**king shovel

As flat as a sh*t carters hat

his nose was so big he could hang off the fence and pick apples with both hands

smooth as a cow on roller skates

a Valiant short of a car park

a few bats in the belfry

A sandwich short of a picnic

Not playing with a full deck

A sheep or two loose in the top paddock

Porch lights on but nobody's home

[andyzed]

"tight as rocking horse shit." (Tight with cash)

This one is a bit rough and my mate used it out the window at a girl on the way to the snowfields once in our youth but it went like this.

"show us where the pig ripped ya and i'll show ya the tree i hid behind"

" he/she was smilin like an unregistered dog " ( happy )

[geebz]

"
"show us where the pig ripped ya "

not a very nice way to refer to an axe wound

[andyzed]

lol

or a yawning pelican

[ryan]

{I live 500 metres to the water so I see a lot of pelicans.}

[mobydick]

many barking spiders around your way?

[ryan]

there were a couple- but I made use of a cunning stunt to see them off.

[chargermac]

i knew it as
"show us ya belly where the pig bit it"


or another one " Holy snappin dog shit"

obviously not refering to the same thing of course

[Whitty]

She had a head so bad it would make a Panadol sick.
She had a head that would scare an orphan.
As quiet as a mouse pissing on cotton wool.
Had a horn so hard you could crush fleas on it.
Had a horn so hard it twisted me spine.

[RichieB]

very funny!

To a short bloke
"your old man should have strained you through your mother's nightie"
To a pri*ck
"your old man should have shot you onto the sheets"
loose girl
"tappo" = tap her on the head and her pants fall down

Keep them coming

Bally

[Paramidget]

my mouth is as dry as a nuns c....

(I'm sure you can work out the rest...)

Dry as a Nun's Nasty! (much more polite!!)

[sneakypete]

make like a donkeys dick and hit the road

she's a butter face

gonna shake hands with the unemployed

i have a piss-horn a dingo wont chew on

goin white water wristing

gotta throw my hand on the bed and rape it

couldnt organise a queue for 2

leather clad tail gunner

camp as row of tents