Jokes anyone???
Re: Jokes anyone???
I was off trying to learn how to spell but it didnt work so deal with it grammar nerds
Cheers
Leigh
Leigh
Re: Jokes anyone???
The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding s_x pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s_x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey s_x. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
· "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
· "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding s_x pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s_x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey s_x. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
· "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
· "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Re: Jokes anyone???
Did ya hear abaut dat Doctor in Dublin.....
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go
fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to
close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day
and asks:
" So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon,
so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the
blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I
have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the
doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go
fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to
close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day
and asks:
" So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon,
so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a
young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the
blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I
have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the
doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Re: Jokes anyone???
Email I received today.....
How a marriage works.................................................!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies, So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
How a marriage works.................................................!
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies, So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Re: Jokes anyone???
More like, sad and true...Boonie wrote:Now, isn't that a sweet story?
Re: Jokes anyone???
Oldie but a goodie
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
A homebrew is like a fart, only the brewer thinks it's great.
Give me a flying headbutt.......
Give me a flying headbutt.......
-
homebrewer79
- Posts: 205
- Joined: Friday May 09, 2008 6:40 pm
- Location: Melbourne
Re: Jokes anyone???
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that wont do what she's told.
A woman that wont do what she's told.
Thats it, you people have stood in my way long enough, I'm going to clown college
Re: Jokes anyone???
Man who go through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok.homebrewer79 wrote:What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that wont do what she's told.
Re: Jokes anyone???
Story that came across my desk today.....
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the checkout...
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Meaty Bites diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kgs before I
woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry & that the food in nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the
road licking my dick and a car hit me...
Stupid bitch.... why else would I buy Dog food.
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the checkout...
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Meaty Bites diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25kgs before I
woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry & that the food in nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the
road licking my dick and a car hit me...
Stupid bitch.... why else would I buy Dog food.
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crutchings
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Saturday May 03, 2008 3:53 pm
Re: Jokes anyone???
A bus load of catholic school girls were involved in a terible bus crash.
All were killed and were now standing before St Peter at the pearly gates of hevan
St Peter announced that if any of the girls had been involved in any activity of a sexual nature they could confess now and be let in.
The first girl stepped foward and said she had once seen a penis. St Peter guided her to a basin of holy water where she leant forward and washed her eyes clean before stepping through the gates to utopia.
The next girl came foward and admitted she had infact once touched a penis,so she washed hands in the basin and went right on into hevan.
By this time a few of the girls were catching onto what was going on and one girl came pushing her way through from the back shouting "im going next im going next"
St Peter asked her "what is the rush?"
The girl replied"Ive got to wash my mouth out in there before that girl up the back has to washed her asre in it!
All were killed and were now standing before St Peter at the pearly gates of hevan
St Peter announced that if any of the girls had been involved in any activity of a sexual nature they could confess now and be let in.
The first girl stepped foward and said she had once seen a penis. St Peter guided her to a basin of holy water where she leant forward and washed her eyes clean before stepping through the gates to utopia.
The next girl came foward and admitted she had infact once touched a penis,so she washed hands in the basin and went right on into hevan.
By this time a few of the girls were catching onto what was going on and one girl came pushing her way through from the back shouting "im going next im going next"
St Peter asked her "what is the rush?"
The girl replied"Ive got to wash my mouth out in there before that girl up the back has to washed her asre in it!
Re: Jokes anyone???
Love ithomebrewer79 wrote:What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that wont do what she's told.
Re: Jokes anyone???
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to you!
None, it should be open when she brings it to you!
Re: Jokes anyone???
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.KEG wrote:Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Re: Jokes anyone???
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
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homebrewer79
- Posts: 205
- Joined: Friday May 09, 2008 6:40 pm
- Location: Melbourne
Re: Jokes anyone???
Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson go camping and pitch their tents under the stars.
During the night Holmes wakes his companion and says "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you see!"
Watson replies "I see millions of stars, and even if only a few of them have planets, it's quite likely that some of those planets are like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there's likely to be life"
Holmes replies, "No you idiot, someone stole our tent"
I told you they were crappy
During the night Holmes wakes his companion and says "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you see!"
Watson replies "I see millions of stars, and even if only a few of them have planets, it's quite likely that some of those planets are like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there's likely to be life"
Holmes replies, "No you idiot, someone stole our tent"
I told you they were crappy
Thats it, you people have stood in my way long enough, I'm going to clown college