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A baby fur seal walked into a club...

Q: What's a pirates favourite letter?
A: Arrgh.
Q: No, it's the sea!

What do arnotts and a blonde after a good night on the town have in common?

They both have a box of assorted creams.

There was this bloke named john who's wife was a nymphomaniac. He loved it exept he went away on business trips a lot and every time he went away she'd cheat on him.

The day before he goes again on another trip he visits the local sex shop. He says to the cashier "mate I need to get something for my wife while I'm away as she's a nypho. I've got her all the dildos and vibrators but they just dont cut it for her." The bloke says "well I do have something out the back but it hasn't exactly passed all the safety tests yet and I'm not supposed to sell it to you but its called voodoo penis."

So they go out the back and he pulls out this shoe box, opens it up and inside is this little thing about the size of a pinkie finger squirming around. "what the f--- is that gonna do?" John asked. "Just watch this." He pulls out a fake vagina and says "Voodoo penis- this vagina." The voodoo penis jumps out of the box and starts goin in and out of this fake vagina at 100 miles an hour.

Ïll take it"says john. The cashier then said "its very important to get it to stop you need to say- Voodoo penis back in box." Immediately the voodoo penis jumps back in the box.

He goes home to his wife and shows her the voodoo penis and just before he goes to the airport he opens the lid of the shoe box and says "voodoo penis- her vagina". Immediately the voodoo penis jumps out of the box and starts screwing his wife. Seeing that she was enjoying herself he goes on his trip with piece of mind knowing his wife will be satisfied.

After his wife had had about 10 orgasms she was starting to get a bit tired and tried to pull out the voodoo penis. No matter how hard she tried or what she did she couldnt get it to stop. After a while she decides she needs to go to the hospital to get this thing to stop. She gets in her car and while still having orgasms she heads toward the hospital.

A police car notices her swerving all over the road and driving erratically so decides to pull her over. When he got to the window of her car she was thrashing her head around and screaming. "what seems to be the problem here?"the policeman asked. Once she caught her breath she said "I have this thing in me called a voodoo penis and my husband told it to go in my vagina and i cant get it out it wont stop screwing me". The policeman rolled his eyes at her and with a face of disbelief and said "Voodoo penis ha. My arse."

A couple of years ago I was working with a Korean guy namede Vihn. One day he said to me, "It's my wedding aniversary tomorrow".

Me: "Taking her out to the French resturant are you?"
Vihn: "What? No! Why?"
Me: "So she can eat some Coq Au Vin"

Luckily he had a sense of humour.

Two atoms walk into a bar. One atom turns to the other and says, "I think I just lost an electron."

The second atom says, "Are you sure?"

The first responds, "I'm positive."

I am going to have to let this woodpecker go




THE ARK

And that sir is why we find ourselves in the current socio climatic predicament.

Coz no-one can say NO, I say 'NO' to that woodpecker. Join me by visiting my facebook page

SAYNOTOTHEWOODPECKERS@facebook.com

Why do women wear perfume and make up?

'Cause they're ugly and they smell bad.

Why did the astronaut find bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

This Pakistani guy went to the doctor and said "I can't really say what is wrong exactly, just that I've been feeling a bit off. Lethargic, tired, depressed, you know what I mean?"

The doctor checked him over and said "Well, I can't really find anything wrong, but I think I know what the problem is. I want you to go home and shit in a bucket, get your wife and kids to shit in it, throw in a can of cat food and cover it with a towell. Twice a day, morning and night, lift up the towell and stick your head in there and take a few big deep breaths through your nose. Come back and see me in two weeks."

So the man goes home and does as the doctor said. after a few days he starts to feel better, until he goes back to see the doctor again. He walks into the doctor and says "I don't know what it was but that shitting in abucket trhing really did the trick!"

"You were just homesick"

Will be back with this one

How many flavours of chapstick does Elton John have?

One. Chaps dicks only come in man seed.

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Ha. I see your hand grenade and raise you: Why do they call camels "the ships of the desert?"

They're full of Arab semen.

emnpaul wrote:Ha. I see your hand grenade and raise you: Why do they call camels "the ships of the desert?"
They're full of Arab semen.

Yep I will pay that one, now I will have to have a scratch around on this computer for another.
I did see some toilet humour the other week on a condom vending machine in a public toilet in Hobart like this:-

(IF REFUND REQUIRED INSERT BABY) lol ....where do these characters come from