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You should still end up with a beautiful cider, although it won't taste the same as if you'd used the cider yeast. Different yeasts produce different flavors in beer (lager yeasts produce a clean, crisp, dry beer compared to ale yeasts, which give a more fruity, malty, sweeter and more filling beer).
Oliver

Can I use more than one type of yeast in a beer?

We don't see any problems. The yeast that comes with some homebrew cans is actually a blend of ale and lager yeast. What you'll probably end up with is a beer that's lighter in body than if you'd used only an ale yeast, but fruitier and less crisp than if you'd used only a lager yeast.
Start the brew at an ale-brewing temperature (20C to 22C) and three days you could let it drop to a more conventional lager-brewing temperature, say around 14C to 16C.
Oliver

Culturing yeast from bottle-conditioned beer

See our instructions on making a yeast starter. Bear in mind that even though some beer has sediment, it may be the yeast used for secondary fermentation. That is, the yeast used to ferment the beer has been filtered out or pasteurised and a different yeast is used to prime the bottles.

Using the sediment of a beer as the only yeast

Strange as it may sound, in some of our (in fact, only in Geoff's) beers, the dregs of stubbies were thrown in. This was usually the case when excess consumption of alcohol has resulted in us concentrating too much on drinking beer and not enough on preparing to make beer. Most of the time, though, we make a starter a couple of days before we intend to brew.
If you're looking for a good yeast, try Safale, which is available from your local homebrew store in sachet form. The cost is a few dollars or so, and it's great stuff. There's also a Saflager yeast, which is a true lager yeast (unlike most of the yeasts sold with “lager” concentrate cans. The Saflager will brew down to about 12 degrees or so, to produce that true lager taste. Of course, fermentation takes much longer at these temperatures. Cooper's Pilsner is the only beer concentrate I'm aware of that's sold with a true lager yeast (it's Saflager, in fact).
I believe it's not the case that Cooper's pasteurises its bottle-conditioned ales then primes with another yeast. It is true that more yeast is added to the bottle, but this is a well documented and ancient process whereby still-fermenting beer is added to the bottle to cause secondary fermentation. So, my understanding is that the yeast in the bottles is the same as the yeast that they use for primary fermentation.

Using a bottle of beer as the only yeast

I read your recipes and really enjoyed them. The one that really took my eye was No.73 Pale Ale where the instructions state that you pitched in a whole stubbie of Pale Ale - Cooper's presumably. I was wondering how long the fermentation took to get started in comparison with a yeast culture made from a few stubbies of Pale Ale, and whether there was any discernable differce in the taste or the fermentation time? Would you suggest this as a reliable method and what in your opinions are the risks?

This was Geoff's brew, so I'll direct the query to him. However, I think the answer might come back that he was pissed and forgot to make a starter so just pitched the stubby in. Geoff will tell you about the taste, although I doubt it would have had any effect.
As to whether I'd suggest it as a reliable method of pitching yeast, the answer is a definite no! One risk is that the bottle might contain no live yeast. This would be the case if it had become too hot, for instance. At least if you make a starter you know that the yeast is dud because nothing happens to the starter so you just chuck it out and start again. Of course, if you pitched a stubby and things didn't start bubbling, you could always pitch another stubby in, but in the process you would have a) poured about six bucks of perfectly drinkable beer into your fermenter; and b) risked an infection taking hold while you tried to get the beer fermenting.
Far better off making a starter for my money.
Oliver

I endorse everything that Ol has told you. The stubbie pitch was one of those “seemed like a good idea at the time” things but, having said that, let me say this: it was a bloody beautiful beer and tasted just like the pitched pale (or at least the other five in the six-pack I'd brought home). I recall that fermentation didn't really commence for 5 or 6 days, then it was a pretty short-lived affair. I guess it was just a fluke, but it sure says something about the potential energy in those Cooper's stubbies!
Nowadays, I always make a starter. Sometimes, due to disorganisation (I like to think of it thus, rather than something lacking in my commitment to beer), I don't wait for it to start. But apart from the famous Coopers Pale Ale Incident, I've never just chucked the yeast straight in to the brew.
Geoff

Recipes

We've never tried this ourselves, but a visitor to our site, Spanner, has:
I am a chilli fan (and a beer fan) and like it hot. And thats what the beer was. HOT!
The beer was Mexican Cervaza and I made half with the chilli and half without. The beer itself was great and would have been wonderful as a Summer drink. With the chilli in it, it was even better. Not a beer that you could sit on, two was my limit, but was wonderful with steak, pizza, etc.
I made the beer in 375ml stubby bottles and dropped one little red teardrop chili in before capping. I left it for eight weeks before tasting, but when I did was very happily surprised. No chillies exploded, they all stayed firm and fresh. When I'm cooking a barbecue I would simply pour the chili out, slic it up and throw it in the onions, vegetables etc. The beer was nice at first sip, with the chili being a nice mild tingle on the tongue. It was then that the aftertaste cut in! The thing was, it mayed you want another scol of beer, which started the whole process off again. I took the beer to a barbecue with some mates and, without telling them what it was, the faces were a scream. As I said, it wasn't a beer to sit on for a drinking session, but I will defiantly make it again. Probably about October so it will be ready for the barbecue season. Thanks again for your interest.

Pilsner recipe

Try this for a good Pilsner. It's hoppy and malty. Delicious.
INGREDIENTS
1 can Cooper's Pilsner
1.2kg light dried or liquid malt
40g Saaz hop pellets
METHOD
Add 200g of the malt and 20g of the hop pellets to 2 litres water. Bring to the boil and simmer for 20 minutes. Be careful it doesn't boil over, as it creates one hell of a mess. After 20 minutes, add the rest of the hops, cover and turn off the heat. Leave it for another 20 minutes.
Meanwhile, mix up the malt and can as usual, dissolving it all in boiling water and adding to the fermenter. Strain the hop mixture and add the liquid to the fermenter. Discard the hops.
Top the fermenter up to 22 litres, getting the temperature to about 20C. Pitch the yeast, seal the fermenter and put it somewhere cool. About 14-16C would be fine. It might take a full two weeks to ferment because of this lower temp, then another few days to clear.

Kilkenny recipe

Here's a recipe that a visitor to our site sent us: INGREDIENTS
1 can Morgan's Amber Ale as a base kit
1kg Light powdered malt
150g lactose
1 bag (15-20g) Goldings finishing hops
1 bag (15-20g) Tettnanger finishing hops
200g caramalt grain

METHOD
Put the grain in about a litre of cold water and slowly bring to the boil. Turn off heat and let stand for 20 minutes. Strain through a stocking. In the liquid and another one or two litres or water simmer the Tettnanger hops and the malt for 10 minutes. Add the Goldings hops and remove from heat. Dissolve the other ingredients in boiling water, add to fermenter and top up with cold water. Pitch yeast and ferment about 20C.
As for getting the carbonation like it is off tap, you're going to have to buy some pretty pricey equipment if you want that, as Kilkenny in cans and on tap has nitrogen in it, which creates that creamy texture. However, since Kilkenny is not an overly carbonated beer, prime with half the usual amount of sugar and a couple don't prime at all. The ones you don't prime at all might take a while longer to be ready to drink (say three months), but they will taste fine and have a slight carbonation. We've made beers before that we haven't primed and they've been beautiful. Sometimes you just don't want your beer very fizzy. Oliver

Stouts and full-bodied beers

I'd give Cooper's Old Dark Ale (see Oliver's No.13) or Cooper's or Black Rock Nut Brown Ale (see Oliver's No.28, Geoff's No.85 and Geoff's No.101) a try. An interesting beer is Morgan's Smoked Ale (see Oliver's No.14 and Geoff's No.81). It's fairly smokey, which is apparently what all beers tasted like when wood was used to kiln malt (i.e. in the days before coal and coke). You can't drink large quantities of it, but it's a classic. I've also made a brew of one can of Smoked Ale and one can of stout (see Oliver's No.26).
Oliver

Combining two cans into one brew

A great brew certainly can be made by combining two cans of concentrate and nothing else. I did something similar recently with two cans of Cooper's Real Ale (see Oliver's No.33). The result tasted nothing like Cooper's Sparkling Ale, but was a great drop nonetheless.
I've also made a brew using a can of Morgan's Yukon Brown Smoked Ale and a can of Morgan's Dockside Smoked Stout (see Oliver's No.26). The result was fantastic, but very filling. You really need two people to share a bottle, although I think this was due more to the smoky taste combined with the heavy stout.
Give it a try with two cans of bitter. I'm sure the result will be fine, although keep in mind that it will be a bit more full-bodied and filling than if you used one can and sugar or glucose/dextrose. This means that it may be more of a sipping beer than a quaffing beer. Pitch both sachets of yeast from the cans to make sure the wort gets off to a flying start. Some people also make a black and tan like this, with a can of ale and a can of stout.

Cooper's Sparkling Ale recipe

Do you guys have a recipe to produce something like Cooper's famous Sparkling Ale?

Here is a recipe for Cooper's Sparkling Ale. I got it from a guy off the Internet whom I know only as Pete. He swears by the recipe. I'm sure you local homebrew shop would be able to suggest some types of malt extracts with a similar profile to the malted grain used by Pete. Malt extract won't produce exactly the same results, but you should still be happy.

Pete's recipe for Cooper's Sparkling Ale

I reckon the only way to get near to authenticity is to mash, and ideally use Schooner malt. Cooper's also uses sugar and the inverted icing sugar is important for the right flavor as is the use of the Coopers Yeast culture. That fruity ester that Cooper's Sparkling is renowned for is due to the yeast and sugar, so no substitutes.
I use an esky as a lauter tun and making it was very easy. Go to www.howtobrew.com and look at the plans for making a lauter tun. Instead of going for copper, just get some of that garden irrigation tubing and elbows and T pieces and make up the manifold that way with some plastic tubing and an irrigation in-line tap. It is sooo easy and the best way to make beer by far.

INGREDIENTS FOR 25 LITRES
4kg South Australian Schooner Malt (Coopers Brewery Malt, I suspect)
250g Crystal Malt
250g Corn Syrup
300g-450g Invert Icing Sugar ( 1 tsp citric acid to 300g and very small amount of water slow heat allow to foam up but not to boil, then turn off immediately. Aim is to get to yellowish/light amber stage not caramelised too much.) The more sugar you use the stronger the flavour. I've done 300g to 450g so it's a taste thing really. I suggest to start with 300g per 25L.
100g Dextrose
1.5tsp Irish Moss
50g Pride of Ringwood Hops Flowers (Schedule: 20g, 15g, 15g)
1.5 litre yeast culture from Cooper's Pale Ale
Dextrose to prime if bottling

FULL SINGLE STEP EXTRACTION (No acid Rest)
Mash: at 153ºF 1-1½ hours. Mix well early, regularly during and recirculate first 4-6 litres of runnings.
Sparge 170ºF rest 20mins and recirculate well early and during rest. Recirculate first 4 litres runnings.

HOP SCHEDULE
Boil extracted wort 30 mins. Add Corn Syrup, Dextrose, 20g hops boil 30 mins. Add Invert sugar and Irish Moss and boil 15 mins. Add 15g hops boil 13 mins. Add 15g hops boil 2 mins, Turn off heat.

Brewing from scratch

By brewing from scratch I'll assume that you mean buying the liquid or dried malt, hops, etc, and boiling them up, not brewing from grain, mashing the grain, rinsing it, etc, which is a long and involved process requiring some special equipment (but which results in superior beers). Malt extract brewing isn't that much more involved than what you're doing now. Before you try it, though, I'd suggest adding some extra hops and grain to a kit homebrew first, to ease yourself into a full malt extract brew. In essence, with malt extract brewing you get all the ingredients, boil them for an hour or so, strain them and add them to the fermenter. From then on, it's just like brewing from a kit (top up with water, add the yeast and let it ferment).
See the How to Brew section, for more discussion about malt extract brewing. If you're interested in mash brewing (starting with the grains), there's a link to Tom and Vince's Homebrew Pages, which has full instructions, as Geoff and I have never attempted it.

Nice lager

I'd speak to your homebrew shop about a good recipe. Probably the best thing to do is to buy a lager kit (can) and add some extra hops (probably Saaz or Hallertauer. See our list of hops) and use a genuine lager yeast such as Saflager. Most beer kits don't come with a lager yeast, which means they don't have the clean, crisp taste of a true lager. I know that Cooper's Pilsner does come with a lager yeast, which will ferment down to about 13C.
Another way to produce a nice lager is to buy from your homebrew shop a “conversion kit”, which contain a mixture of malt, sugar, hops, etc, and are designed to replicate certain beers.

Cooper's Best Extra Stout clone

If I could brew a beer that tasted like Cooper's Best Extra Stout, I'd never brew anything else! To try and get close, start with one of Cooper's stout kits and add a few extras, such as probably 500g dark malt and 500g glucose/dextrose instead of using all sugar/dextrose. This will help with the flavor. Also, add a few hundred grams of roasted barley (see the Homebrew Ingredients page) to give a lovely roasted flavor. Put the grains in a litre or so of cold water and slowly bring the water almost to the boil. Turn off the heat, cover and steep for half an hour or so before you strain it and add the liquid to the fermenter. Some extra hops, perhaps Fuggles, could also be added. Boil 15-20g with a few heaped tablespoons of liquid or dried malt for half an hour, strain and add to the fermenter.

Gluten-free beer

I did a quick search on Google for the keywords gluten, free, beer and brew and found several resources, but none that mentioned beer kits. There are plenty of recipes out there if you want to malt your own grain, but this probably doesn't help you.
Have you asked your local homebrew store about kits?
Oliver

Ginger beer

METHOD
Wash, peel and chop ginger into 5mm slices. Place all spices into hop bag with ginger and boil for 1/2 an hour in 3 litres of water. Once boiled, pour water into sanitised fermenter and add LME and dextrose. Dissolve sugar and malt then add hop bag and top up to 20 litres. Pitch yeast and ferment out and bottle as you would a beer.

Pilsner Urquell

The secret to a Czech-style beer is the hops. Make sure you use Saaz hops (see our list of hops) if you're boiling up extra to add to the can of concentrate. A pilsner should be quite bitter, so try boiling 15g for an hour in a few tablespoons of malt and a litre or so of water (this long boil extracts bitterness) and add another 10g for the last 15 mins or so (for aroma). (If you find it's still not hoppy enough, add more next time.) Make sure you use a true lager yeast such as Saflager. Some firms just provide ale yeasts with concentrate regardless of what style it is, which is no good because it doesn't give the crisp, dry taste that lager yeasts impart. I know for a fact that Cooper's Pilsner concentrate includes lager yeast, so that might be a good one to try or use as a base and add extra hops. Replacing a little of the sugar or dextrose with light malt extract will also help. Try about 500g malt extract and 500g dextrose or glucose.
The Black Rock Cider is an absolute ripper. Certainly one to keep the ladies happy.
Oliver

Getting the recipe right

Finings (usually made from the swim bladder of the sturgeon, but gelatine does a similar job, although not as well) are added to beer a couple of days before bottling. The yeast is attracted to the molecules in the finings, forming clumps that fall to the bottom of the fermenter, thus clearing the beer. Most homebrewers feel that it's unnecessary to fine their beer, as all it's doing is speeding up a process that occurs naturally; leaving your beer for a couple of extra days for the yeast to settle out will have pretty much the same effect. Most commercial beers don't need to be fined because they're filtered before being packaged, which removes any yeast anyway. You just mix the finings with some hot water, then add it to the fermenter and give it a gentle stir, being careful not to splash too much and mix in oxygen. Geoff and I have never used finings, and don't feel that it's ever created problems. Our advice would be to save your money. Oliver

What is sparging?

Sparging is just the brewer's term for rinsing. With seven years more brewing experience under my belt than when I made that beer, what I'd do now is put the grain in a litre of so of cold water and slowly heat it. Turn it off before it boils and let the “steep” for 20 minutes or so to release the flavours.
To sparge, pour the grains into a fine seive then take some tepid water (cold water will set any sugars in the grain and hot water will draw out nasty flavours) and slowly pour it through the grains until the water runs fairly clear.
Discard the grains and boil the liquid to kill any bacteria, etc.
Yes, the grains need to be cracked first, so the water can get in and get all the goodness out. Easiest way is to buy them cracked. Some grains are bloody hard to crack (I've found wheat the worst). Putting the grain in a tough plastic bag and whacking them with a mallet, hammer or rolling pin can do the trick. They only need to be cracked open, not smashed into a powder. Oliver

Watery beer

Thanks for your e-mail. Sorry to hear about the first beer but don't worry, we've got a few ideas that I hope will lead to an immediate and drastic improvement of the situation.

First, give the rest of your sugar to your Mum and ask her to bake a cake with it. Despite what the manufacturers of many kits and cans tell you, white sugar is the enemy of the homebrewer. Just don't use it. It will more than likely result in an insipid, thin beer with a cidery taste. Instead, try 1.5kg of glucose or dextrose. Or better still, 500g of dried malt and 600g of glucose. Oliver and I have made heaps of great beers from the can using glucose and malt. Alternatively, many manufacturers produce “kit improvers”, which are a blend of malt and glucose, and sometimes other adjuncts such as corn syrup (which is actually a powder) that some reckon improves the head. These products are available from homebrew shops and some supermarkets. Geoff

Homebrew makes me feel bloated

You're probably feeling bloated due to the high amount of malt left in the beer. Try buying a lager yeast (a sachet of Saflager yeast costs only a few dollars) from your homebrew store and use that instead of the yeast that comes with the pack. This yeast will ferment out more of the malt, resulting in a beer with a lighter body and more alcohol. There's also an enzyme called improzyme or dry beer enzyme that you can get to add to your beer when fermenting. It helps the yeast eat up more of the sugars. Your homebrew shop should be able to help here.
You don't say what ingredients you're putting in, but if you're adding only malt, try subsituting some of it for glucose or dextrose, which is almost 100% fermentable, unlike malt, which adds to body as well as alcohol content.
Oliver

Raising the alcohol content

There are a couple of ways you can make your cider have a stronger alcohol content. One is to add more sugar when you mix up the batch (before you add the yeast). Adding an extra 1kg of glucose/dextrose/cane sugar will increase the alcohol content by about 2.5 per cent. For malt extract the figure is about 1.6 per cent, due to its water content (in the case of liquid malt) and because some of the sugars in malt are not fermentable. Whatever you do, don't add more priming sugar to the bottles when you're bottling, as this will definitely cause them to explode.
Secondly, you could reduce the amount of water that you add to the fermenter. Check out Oliver's No.35 Black Rock Cider. This was made by topping up the fermenter to 18 litres instead of 22.5. The result is a cider higher in alcohol and fuller in flavour than one made up to 22.5 litres. Of course, you get fewer bottles, but the end product is far superior.
Oliver

Will raising alcohol affect the yeast?

If you're worried about the yeast not handling the extra alcohol (although there shouldn't be any problems at all if you're only aiming for 5% or 6%) try the Safale and Saflager brands of yeast or some other form of dried yeast recommended by a homebrew shop. They should only cost you a few dollars. They will ferment out lots of the sugar in the beer, resulting in a higher alcohol content. If you're making a lager, try the Saflager, as it's a true lager yeast that will give you a crisp, clean beer.(Most homebrew “lager” kits are shipped with ale yeasts. Coopers Pilsner is an exception.)
If you want to make a beer much over 6%, I'd use Safale or Saflager. For really high alcohol beers, use liquid yeasts, available from homebrew stores. There are special strains for very high-alcohol beers.
Oliver

Homebrew too sweet

The problem you describe is something I have encountered a few times with, as with you, all-malt beers. The cause is that the yeast does not ferment out enough of the sugars to take away the sweetness of the malt and produce a balanced, good-tasting brew. You say you haven't changed the recipe, but what about the yeast? If you use beer kits, are you still using the same brand? Perhaps the yeast in it has changed?
What I'd suggest you do is buy a yeast to use in your all-malt brews, since they seem to be the ones you're having trouble with. Your local homebrew shop probably carries the Safale and Saflager dried yeasts, which cost only a few dollars.
These yeasts are rippers. Apart from fermenting out a high proportion of the sugars so that you don't get that sweet, rich taste you describe, the yeast sticks fast to the bottom of the fermenter and bottle, so you can just about pour out every last drop without getting a cloudy glass of beer.
Plus, the Saflager is a true lager yeast (unlike the yeast you get with most kit beers, which is ale yeast) so it will ferment down to about 12 degrees and give a crisp, clean finish.
(As a matter of interest the yeast shipped with the Cooper's Pilsener kits is a true lager yeast, so don't, as I once did and chuck out the yeast that came with it and use a bought Saflager yeast!)
Another thing you could try is making a yeast starter. A starter provides more yeast cells to start work straight away on the sugars, and can result in a less sweet beer.

Beer not malty enough

You can always add more malt, but bear in mind that it will result in a sweeter beer at the end. If you add large quantities of malt (say over about 750g), you'll need to a) add extra hops to balance the sweetness; and/or b) use a quality dried yeast. With most “lager” kits that you buy (including the Coopers Lager), the yeast included with them is actually an ale yeast. Lager yeasts ferment down to a lower temperature and ferment out more of the malt, giving you that crisp lager taste. Ale yeasts tend to result in a fruitier, more malty beer. One kit that comes with a true lager yeast is the Coopers Pilsner.
You can also buy dried lager yeast at homebrew stores (Saflager is an excellent yeast) for a few dollars. These are also good for brewing lagers in winter, as, because they'll keep working at down to about 13C, you don't need to worry about heating (that's if you live in a colder part of the world, of course). The yeast will work slowly at low temps, so it will take longer than the standard amount of time to ferment out a brew.
Oliver

Fermentation

You should still end up with a pretty nice beer at 21C, albeit not with the characteristics of a true pilsner, as the yeast won't have worked at its ideal temperature. It will probably be not quite as crisp as it would otherwise be and perhaps produce a flavor more like an ale than a lager (slightly fruity). We generally try and brew ales in spring and autumn (summer's generally too hot for brewing in Melbourne) and lagers in winter.

Open v. closed fermentation

Neither of us have ever heard about “off tastes” resulting from closed fermentation. We cannot think of any reason why a sealed fermenter would cause this. Here in Australia almost all home brewers use airtight fermenters, principally to avoid the risk of contamination. So your comments are intriguing … We use top and bottom-fermenting yeasts in Oz, and generally speaking a sealed fermenter is used without regard to yeast type. Geoff

My beer is not fermenting

As Geoff intimated, it's highly unlikely there's anything wrong with the yeast. As long as it's within it's use-by date (in the case of most yeast, at least two years from date of manufacture) and hasn't been subjected to extreme temperatures, the yeast should be viable.
If the temperature is OK, the most likely cause of the beer apparently not fermenting is a fermenter that's not sealed properly. To test the seal, put some pressure on the lid of the fermenter until the level of water in the airlock moves about a centimetres. Maintain that pressure for 20 seconds or so. The level should remain the same. If it equalises, you've got an air leak. All this means is that the gas produced during fermentation is escaping somewhere other than through the airlock. If this is the case, there will be absolutely nothing wrong with the finished product. If you've got a screw-on lid, taking the lid off and running some cooled, boiled, water around the seal can often be enough to seal any leaks. Also, don't be afraid to do it up nice and firmly. If you've got a push-on lid, put some weight (books?) on to try and get a good seal. Another trick some use is to lightly smear some vegetable oil around the rubber seal and refit the lid. Be careful though not to put on so much that it drips into the beer as oil means no head on your beer.
You say the wort was 20C when you added the yeast. Has the brew been maintained about 20C since then? If not, it might have become too cold for the yeast. Warming the fermenter to above 20C and giving it a stir with a sterilised spoon should spur the yeast back into action. Most yeasts shipped with homebrew concentrate will stop working below about 18C and work their best at about 21C.
Geoff mentions the use of a hydrometer. If you don't have one, or even if you do, there are other ways of confirming that fermentation has begun: 1. A frothy head has formed on the beer. If your fermenter is one of the light-colored jobs, you should be able to see a head forming up the side of the fermenter. Depending on what type of yeast comes with the beer that you're making, the head might be big or small. If you've got a fermenter that you can't see through, whip the lid off quickly and have a look. If there's a head, fermentation has begun.
2. A sediment has formed on the bottom of the fermenter. This is also an indication that fermentation is progressing and that the yeast cells are dropping the bottom after working their magic. Obviously you won't be able to see a thing if your fermenter is black.
3. Taste it. Draw some beer off through the tap (if you've got one, or use a sterilised glass to take a sample if the fermenter hasn't got a tap). If the wort has begun to ferment, the liquid should taste pretty much like beer and will be slightly bubbly. At the time of adding the yeast the wort is sickly sweet. After fermentation, it has bubbles and tastes like beer, although probably not the best beer that you've ever tasted, as it hasn't had a chance to mature.
If you fail all the tests (it's been above 20C the whole time but there's no head, no sediment and it's still disgustingly sweet and not tasting at all like beer) then the yeast sounds like your problem. Take Geoff's advice and get more yeast, pitch it and wait for fermentation to begin. Because it's all been sealed up, you shouldn't have any trouble with infections, so please, DON'T THROW IT OUT.
On the other hand, if the beer passes the tests, it should be pretty much ready to bottle. Give it a couple of days for the yeast to settle, then bottle the bugger!
Oliver

Keeping the brew cool

You did very well to keep your fermenting beer at 24-26C when it's so hot outside. Those sorts of temperatures aren't going to have too much of an adverse effect on your beer, although the ideal brewing temp is around the 20 mark for ales, and considerably lower for lagers, provided they're using real, genuine lager yeast, which is shipped with very few beer kits.
The wet T-shirt and ice trick is a good way of keeping down the temp, even if only by a few degrees.
Traditionally, we've been ale-in-summer, lager-in-winter brewers. However, Geoff has taken to brewing lagers in the summer months. But as most lager kits are shipped with ale yeasts, it probably doesn't matter all that much.
Oliver I am brewing beer in Brisbane (Australia). At this time of the year the normal temperature of a brew in my laundry (permitted area for brewing) is 30C. By making a thick quilted sleeve soaked in ice water for the fermenter and allowing a large ice block to thaw on top of the lid and slowly soak the quilt throughout the day, I have managed to reduce the temperature to 21C. My proposed next brew is Coopers Brewmaster Pilsner. I realise that I am still above the ideal temperature for this type of brew, but wondering if the tolerances of the Coopers mix will allow it to perform? Do I need to further reduce the temperature? Winter temperatures should pose no problems, but I am keen to change to a pilsner brew now. Regards.

Airconditioner to cool my brew?

If you were to air-condition a shed for the purpose of brewing, I would not think you stupid, but a legend! I don't think there's anything at all wrong with your plan, although there might be cheaper, and better, alternatives. What sort of a temperature are you brewing at? If you only need to lower the temp by a few degrees, perhaps insulation in the shed, combined with wrapping the fermenter in a wet towel (see above), may keep the temperature within acceptable limits.
However, if you're going to do the thing with the air-conditioner, I'd also investigate converting an old fridge. The set-up costs are likely to be higher, but ongoing costs lower. It's probably also a better choice that offers more flexibility.
I haven't done it, but evidently it's a fairly simple exercise. Just get a second-hand fridge and buy a thermostat from an electronics shop. Set up the thermostat (with its probe inside the fridge) to turn on the fridge at, say, 20C for ales and down to 13C for lagers, so you know your fermentation is always no more than that. I'm sure a fridge is much cheaper to run that an air-conditioner cooling a shed, not to mention quieter.
If you get the right sort of thermostat, you can also set it up to turn on a heater (perhaps a light bulb) if the temp drops below your optimum brewing range. So year-round, you know that your beer is brewing at the perfect temperature.
I'm sure a few internet searches will reveal all you need to know about converting a fridge, and possibly more.

Correct temperature for lagers and pilsners

The correct temperature for fermenting any lagers (and pilsners fall into this category) is in the low teens. However, if you're brewing kit beers, it's unlikely that it contains a true lager yeast. It's more likely to be an ale yeast, which won't work at temperatures below about 18C. One beer that does contain a true lager yeast and will ferment down to about 13C is Cooper's Pilsner. If you want to brew a kit beer other than this, I wouldn't take a chance with the yeast that comes with it. Chuck it out and buy yourself some lager yeast (Saflager is very good and only a few (Australian) dollars). That way you don't risk that it's an ale yeast that won't work at low temps. The lower the temperature the slower the yeast works, so fermentation will take longer than you're probably used to. Use a hydrometer and do an SG reading to confirm fermentation is finished.
The other thing about lagers and Pilsners is that they should be “lagered”. This means to put them in a very cold place (a very cold fridge is a good place) to mature. Don't do it straight after bottling, though, or the beer won't undergo secondary fermentation, which puts bubbles in the beer. Five or so days after bottling, put the beer in a fridge to mature for between four weeks and three months.
I've tried this, and it does actually affect the taste of the beer. It gives a much cleaner and more rounded taste. Perhaps try lagering some and not others and compare at the end of a couple of months.
Oliver

Bottles

According to the Australian Plastics and Chemicals Industries Association, the content of the email you received is an “urban myth” and it is quite safe to refill PET bottles. The association also says that DEHA is not used in plastic drink bottles in Australia. Even so, its use has been approved for use in food-grade plastics. Read the association's media release.

Clear bottles

Geoff and I both use the large bottles for our homebrew, the reason being that we'd rather scrub, sterilise, rinse, fill and cap 30 large bottles than 60 stubbies. We find the occasion rare that we don't want to drink a full big bottle, so it's not really an issue for us!

But you can use any bottles you like, including clear glass beer bottles, as long as they are designed for carbonated drinks. One point to beware though: Beer bottles are traditionally brown so as to protect them from light, which can easily cause a “skunky”, off beer. If you do use clear bottles, make sure you store them in a completely dark place so as to avoid the beer becoming undrinkable.

Oliver

Beer in softdrink bottles

There's absolutely nothing wrong with storing your beer in PET softdrink bottles. As you say, Geoff and I don't think it's right (perhaps it's more a psychological thing), but they certainly do have advantages, including their ridiculously light weight, the less amount of room they take up, the fact they don't smash and that they don't need any special equipment to cap.
Now to the disadvantages: The two enemies of beer (as wine) are light and heat. If you use clear plastic bottles, make sure you store them in absolute darkness, otherwise you might find they become “light-struck”, which is characterised by an off, musty smell and taste.
Also, I am told, although have not had it confirmed, that plastic bottles lose their carbonation over time (we're talking after more than a year at least), so if you're planning on maturing your beer for a long time or getting a big stock up, plastic is probably not the vessel of choice.
Finally, because softdrink bottles are not the same size as your average beer bottle (375ml or 750ml), you might need to play around with amounts of priming sugar to use in each bottle or bulk prime.
As with all bottles, make sure they are thoroughly cleaned (a bottle brush is essential to remove the film that builds up inside the bottles after a couple of brews) and sterilised before you bottle. Oh, and don't use boiling water on PET bottles!
A final thought: All of my bottles and most of Geoff's are the old, returnable, 750ml glass bottles with a crown seal. While these are magnificent, one tends to become a bit protective of them, as they're not available any more. Hence, taking them to a party where you might lose one (even though we each have more than 400) is generally out of the question. But there are always more plastic softdrink bottles.

PET bottles not airtight/Beer in glass

I was interested in your observations. I've only used plastic bottles for one brew and reused one (I had 24 glass bottles and just couldn't drink any more before I bottled!). I'll be keen to see what happens with the seal. I know some people use old soft drink bottles for their beer. I'm not sure if they have any troubles.
I certainly agree with your sentiments about beer in glass. But I've also decided that glass alone is not enough. I'm always very suspicious of beer in clear glass bottles (the Australian beers Hahn Ice, Carlton LJ and Carlton Cold are cases in point). Plastic bottles definitely have their advantages (lower weight and bulk), but being an old romantic, I've got to say there is something about beer in glass.
Oliver

Priming and bottling

Use half a teaspoon in a stubby. If you use the same amount that you use for a king brown you'll end up with a foaming mess when you open the bottle. Or else the bottles will explode.

When is the right time to bottle?

Geoff and I have different approaches to this question. Geoff leaves his brew for two weeks and never takes an SG reading, then bottles it. He's never had any problems, but this method is dependent on an adequate temperature being maintained and the yeast being viable in the first place, which it isn't always. Bubbling in the airlock and froth up the fermenter or carboy and signs that fermentation has begun, but not that it's finished. It perhaps may even have stopped if the temperature has fallen too far.
I always use a hydrometer to check that my fermentation has finished, based on an estimate of final gravity. (I can also work out the approximate alcohol content by comparing the original gravity and final gravity.) Some people take two SG readings a day apart to make sure they're the same, indicating fermentation has stopped. I use a plastic fermenter, so just run some out of the tap into the testing jar to take a reading. Having never used carboys, I can't really suggest how to get the hydrometer out.
Have you thought about drawing some liquid out using a piece of tube with your thumb placed over the end after it's inserted into the beer? You can also buy special devices to do the same job. See your homebrew store. I suppose you could always try and get the hydrometer out of the carboy with tongs or something, but I bet you break the hydrometer sooner or later!
For my money, taking the SG is the safest way to ensure your beer is finished fermenting.
See the entry above called My beer is not fermenting for more information on making sure your beer has, in fact, been fermenting.
Oliver

Reducing sediment

Mmmmm, “Theturbidity of naturally conditioned beer is determined by the amount of yeast in suspension.” What it means, in layman's terms, is this: “The cloudiness of bottle-conditioned beer is determined by the amount of yeast floating around in it.” In theory, if you don't prime your bottles, the finished product won't have a sediment of yeast in the bottom, because the sediment is thrown down by secondary fermentation in the bottle, which is caused by the priming sugar. However, your beer will also be fairly flat.
But yeast is funny stuff. It works on some types of sugars (cane sugar, for instance) quite quickly, whereas with other types of sugars (some found in malt, for instance), fermentation is very, very slow. So even if you don't prime (as we didn't with the Millennium Ale), over a long time carbonation will still occur. Most people don't want to hang around for years while their beer is gassing up though.
What does all this mean? Well, without secondary fermentation your beer will be flat. So it's next to impossible to produce a bottled homebrew without priming and thus sediment. There are four options to avoid or minimise this problem though:
1. Keg your beer. Instead of the gas coming from secondary fermentation, you inject CO2 from a bottle. Pluses: No sediment. You get to serve beer on tap. Negatives: You need lots of fairly expensive equipment.
2. Use a yeast that's very flocculant. A flocculant yeast sticks together, so when you pour the beer out of the bottle the yeast remains stuck firmly to the bottom. We've used Safale and Saflager yeasts before (Cooper's Pilsner comes with a Saflager yeast) with kit beers instead of the yeast as supplied and you can pour every last drop of beer out without disturbing the sediment, which is rock solid on the bottom. Pluses: Very cheap. Minuses: None that I can think of.
3. Allow secondary fermentation to occur then transfer the contents of each bottle to another bottle, leaving behind the sediment. Pluses: None. Negatives: A waste of time.
4. Decant your beer into a jug in one smooth motion before pouring it into a glass. Pluses: Cheap. Negatives. You'll still waste a minute amount of beer, but not as much as you are now. Done carefully, this could be the winner.
You can get away with very little or even no priming of dark beers because the style generally is “flatter”. But even if you did do a full prime and there was heaps of sediment, you wouldn't see it because of the colour of the beer. Paradoxically, lighter beers tend to require more carbonation, and hence throw down more of a layer of sediment due to the extra priming, which of course can be more obvious when you pour.
Oliver

How long is too long in the fermenter?

There shouldn't be anything at all wrong with the brew that's been in the fermenter for three weeks. Both Geoff and I have left beers a lot, lot longer than that and they've been fine. In fact, my No.26 Dockside Smoked Stout was left in the fermenter while I went on a month-long trip to Italy! It was fine. As long as the fermenter has been sealed so no nasties can get in to infect the brew, the beer will be great.

We generally leave our beers in the fermenter for two weeks. This is a practise we've developed for a number of reasons, the primary being laziness. Geoff gave up on taking SG readings some time ago, and Oliver more recently, so two weeks ensures that fermentation has finished. It also allows the beer to clear a little. And (this is really cunning) bottling beer each second weekend, as opposed to every weekend, deceives our respective wives into believing that we're not completely obsessed with beer. Geoff
Oliver

Identifying bottles

Geoff and I simply write the number of the brew on the top of the cap. I know that Geoff has made up some labels in the past. I've never bothered. I tend to think that they just eat into your drinking and brewing time. Why go to the trouble of designing and producing a label that will eventually (and possibly very shortly) be scraped off? The pleasure for us is in the beer, not the label. We prefer to work on the substance, not the style!
An interesting thought, though: Geoff and I have suggested a barcode system to keep track of our brews. Perhaps when we win lotto.
Oliver

I hate priming each bottle

There are two ways to avoid measuring the sugar into each bottle:
1. Use carbonation drops, which are a measured dose of sugar that look like barley sugar. You just pop one into each stubby or two into a longneck. Cooper's makes a product that is available from homebrew stores in Australia. I'm sure there are similar products elsewhere in the world.
2. Bulk prime. Instead of adding the sugar to the bottle before you bottle, you add the sugar to the beer and mix it in before you bottle. You need two fermenters for this, though. What you do is “rack” off the beer into the second fermenter (sterilised, of course), creating as little splashing as possible and leaving the sediment behind. You then mix the sugar with a bit of boiling water to dissolve it, then add it to the beer and mix it in. Then you just bottle the beer as normal. This is especially helpful if you're bottling into different sized bottles. It means you don't have to adjust the measure for each different bottle size.
Oliver

Cleaning up

Rule No.1 is: Never use anything abrasive on a fermenter. This includes scourers and Ajax (a cream cleanser), which contains that terrible gritty stuff, which will scratch and provide a place to hide for bacteria that can infect your beer. To clean my fermenter I use a soft nail brush and a great Selleys product called Whiz, which is a yellow, open-weave plastic cloth.
To clean out the tap, disassemble it (it is usually not possible to completely take apart the tap, but at least take off the sediment reducer through which the beer flows into the tap) and get hold of a bottle brush. Make sure you get into all the nooks and crannies where nasties might lurk.
Oliver

Brewing equipment

I gather the steriliser to which you refer is similar to the sodium metabisulphite that Geoff and I use. All we do is make up a solution, swirl a bit in each bottle (in fact, these days we use a bottle washer, available from homebrew stores), then rinse the bottles well in cool tap water, using our bottle rinser. One school of thought says that you should just leave the bottles to drain as rinsing with tap water is just asking for trouble, as tap water can contain nasties. But as long as the water is chlorinated, I don't see a problem (and I've never had a problem).
Make sure you only sterilise immediately before you want to bottle, as if the bottles sit around, it provides the perfect opportunity for bacteria to come and settle and possibly infect your beer.
A good way to help avoid problems with your brew is to rinse the bottles immediately you have drunk the beer in them. This way, the yeast does not get a chance to harden on the inside of the bottle. And believe me, it's a tough job to get this off. Also, after a few brews you may find that a film builds up on the inside of the bottles. A quick scrub with a bottle brush should fix this.
Oliver

Time savers when bottling

The best one we've had to date is the bottle rinser, which I made. If someone helps you out with your brewing, the rinser is a great time saver, as one person can sterilise the bottles with your device and the other can use the bottle rinser (attached to a tap and put in a sink) to rinse them at the same time. In effect, it means that the sterilisation and rinsing takes half as long. Even when bottling by yourself it's a great time saver.
Oliver

My homebrew store doesn't sell Cooper's kits and equipment

After reading your product review about Cooper's new Micro-Brew kit, I was pretty impressed and thought it would be a good way for me to get started in home brewing. However, when I contacted a local homebrew shop they said they don't sell the Cooper's pre-prepared brewing kits. Their reasons for this were: “They lack a few articles of hardware that we feel are necessary for brewing top-quality beer. While you will get acceptable beer produced from one of these kits, sold by the supermarkets, you will get infinitely better advice on technique and a much more comprehensive range of product from a dedicated homebrewing supplies store.“
Is this the standard response from a specialist home-brew shop or are they pretty much on the money?

Firstly, what the bloke at the homebrew shop didn't tell you is that he can make more money selling his own kits rather than Cooper's. That's why most homebrew shops don't sell the Cooper's kits. Did they mention what articles of hardware were missing?
I don't disagree that you'll get better advice on how to brew a top-notch beer from a local homebrew store. If you are only interested in homebrewing because it's cheap and are happy with the results, get all your supplies at the supermarket. If you want to find out how to make the best beers (this usually involves using a can as a base and adding a few extra ingredients such as hops or grain or using liquid or dried malt), then go to your homebrew store.
I buy all my ingredients and supplies from my local store. Apart from supporting local shopping and having a wider range to select from, having a chat about all things beer (and possibly even a drink) while you're there is an added bonus.
The Cooper's kit includes everything you need to make your first beer, including the bottles. I might be wrong, but I don't think you'll get this in the homebrew store kit. Some people like the plastic bottles, others don't. If you really get into homebrewing, you'll probably want to have more than 30 bottles so you don't have to drink all your beer before you make the next one. This way, you can always drink beer that's a few months old and at its peak. You can either buy more plastic bottles, use old glass bottles or use soft-drink bottles.
If you opt for glass, you'll need a decent capper. The only one I've ever used is a bench capper, which sells for about $60-$70 (Australian). They're a great invention and I've never broken a bottle, which is always the danger with other types of cappers, especially the ones you have to belt with a hammer.
If you don't continue with the “carbonation drops” that come with the Cooper's kit (about $4 for enough for one brew), you'll need to buy a sugar measure, which should cost you a couple of bucks from your homebrew store. You'll also need a funnel (again, a couple of bucks) so the sugar doesn't go everywhere. You'll need a bottle brush (about $7-$10) to get off the film that builds up inside bottles.
So, if you do the sums, buying the equipment that the Coopers kit doesn't contain will cost you about an extra $15-$20. That's leaving aside the bench capper, which no standard kit will contain anyway.
But at the end of the day, I suppose it really doesn't matter. It just comes down to personaly preference. For my money, I'd buy the Coopers kit (for the bottles and the fermenter, which is the best design I've ever seen) and after your first brew buy your ingredients from your homebrew shop and get advice there. You can always buy other bits and pieces (capper, heater (rarely necessary), etc) later.

Ingredients

Brew enhancers can be good. Usually they contain a mix of sugars, such as malt, dextrose/glucose and corn syrup. The different sugars ferment out to different degrees. For instance, malt contains a high proportion of unfermentable sugars, so it will add body and sweetness to a beer. Glucose/dextrose ferments out almost fully, so it adds alcohol to the beer, but negligible body. Corn syrup is unfermentable and tasteless, and adds body and helps head retention. Some packs of brew enhancer - usually one bought from a homebrew shop rather than a supermarket - may contain some cracked grain and/or hops, which you boil up together and add to the fermenter. They are usually used when you want to modify a particular can of homebrew concentrate to make it like a particular style of beer. As an example, a brew enhanceer designed to approximate an English ale recipe might include a large proportion of dried malt (to give body), little if any glucose/dextrose (so as not to make the beer too watery), some corn syrup (for body and head retention), some cracked malted grains (for a nice grainy flavor and deeper color) and some Goldings hops (for extra flavor, bitterness and aroma). The bottom line is that there's nothing in these packs that you couldn't buy yourself from a homebrew story and mix yourself, but the ready-mixed pack just makes it nice and convenient.

Honey in beer

Honey would be great in some, if not all beers. However, I wouldn't add too much to lighter, less hoppy styles of beer because the taste might be too overpowering. It's not something that I've ever done. I'd suggest substituting a couple of hundred grams of honey for some of the malt or glucose in a recipe to see how it tastes. If it's OK, then add more to subsequent brews. You could also just add it as an extra on top of the malt or sugar that you add (1kg dextrose, 200g honey, for instance). Oliver

“Dreaded” Pride of Ringwood hops

Yes, Pride of Ringwoodare used in many Australian beers, but it seems to us that it can give a bit of an astringency to homebrew. We're not sure if it's the way they're treated or what, but a distinctive taste can emerge in some circumstances. That said, I've used them successfully once or twice. This taste is also evident in some of the James Squire beers and a few others that we've tasted. However, as you say it's not evident in beers such as the entire Cooper's range, so it's a bit confusing. Geoff

Which are the best kits?

Good question. To give a bit of background, there's a bit of bad blood between Cooper's and at least one homebrew shop proprietor. Hence, while he sells Cooper's kits, he doesn't go out of his way to recommend their kits. As far as quality goes, Morgan's, Cooper's, Black Rock and Munton's all rate highly from our point. You've got to be careful of some kits because some makers get cheap confectionery malt (which is high in nitrogen and bad for brewing) and add hop extract to make a beer kit. The thing I like about Cooper's is that what they do is essentially brew a beer, and instead of fermenting it just evaporate most of the liquid to make concentrate. Not all beer kits are made this way. One of the reasons Cooper's is cheap is because of the huge volumes they do. They're actually the world's biggest manufacturer of beer kits. Some homebrew proprietors also shy away from Cooper's because they sell through supermarkets, often cheaper than homebrew shops can do it.
Oliver

Brewing with molasses

Gee, you're going to be busy! Geoff has used molasses in two beers, including his Geoff's No.87 Ancient Egyptian Beer. I hate to say it, but I wouldn't waste your molasses making it.
He also put some in his No.108 Simon & Paul's 44 Stout. I've just cracked a bottle now, so here goes the first tasting: “Black as the veritable ace of spades, with a rich and thick camel-coloured head; a liquorice-hoppy nose; and a rich, smooth mouthful and finish that tastes like the way a homebrew shop smells. In short, bloody beautiful. The molasses is certainly there, but it provides no more than a gloss over what is an excellent stout. Mmm, stout.”
I had a look in my homebrewing books and could find only one reference to molasses, in The Complete Guide to Home Brewing in Australia by Laurie Strachan. In it, he says that it is used in dark beers. Theakston's Old Peculier is one of the more well known beers that uses it. Strachan says it should be used in quantities of no more than 100g per 23-litre brew. I'd try adding it to a stout or dark ale. It certainly can't hurt. But don't go overboard.
Oliver

Brewing with hard water/reverse osmosis water

I used to live in Adelaide but now find myself in Melbourne. I began brewing after I moved to Victoria, which is not to say that I haven't had experience brewing with hard water. You see, one drunken night in Geelong (where I was living at the time) Geoff and I theorised that the reason Cooper's ales were so good was due to the fact that they were brewed with very hard Adelaide water.
Since I was driving to Adelaide to visit family shortly thereafter, it was decided that I would take a fermenter and brew a beer there using Adelaide water. The only complications were: a) I was to be in Adelaide for only a weekend; and b) I was going to Sydney first.
Not to be put off, I loaded up the car with Geoff's Black Fermenter, drove from Geelong to Melbourne to Sydney to Adelaide and put on a beer (No.13 Cooper's Dark Ale). I knew that I was returning to Adelaide a month or so later, so I put it in my parents' cellar to ferment. I returned, bottled the beer, put the bottles in the car and drove back to Geelong (this wasn't the sole reason for the eight-hour each-way drive between Adelaide and Geelong!). It was a beaut beer.
Anyway, to answer your question, convention says that if you're brewing an ale, then hard water is best and that soft water is best for lagers. (Probably the most famous ale-brewing centre in the world is Burton-on-Trent in England, where the water is very hard, and the best-known lager-brewing regions are in the Czech Republic, where Pilsner-style lagers were “invented” and the water is very soft.)
All yeast needs a variety of salts to do its fine work, so if you want to try using reverse-osmisis water, you'll need to add some yeast nutrient (available from homebrew stores) to the water. Otherwise, do an internet search for something like “brewing and water treatment” and I'm sure you'll find some info on how much salt to use (I've added salt before and it's usually a combination of table salt, epsom salts and calcium carbonate.)
The other consideration with the reverse-osmosis water is that there's probably very little dissolved oxygen in it, which means that you'll have to oxygenate it somehow, otherwise the yeast won't do its job properly. Tipping the water in from a great height is probably the easiest way to do this, although you can buy a special oxygenator with a pump and filter if you want to waste a bit of money!
The bottom line is this: I reckon that if you're brewing good beers the way you're going, don't change a thing unless you want to to see what the result will be. As the ad used to say: When you're on a good thing, stick to it!
Oliver

Boiling liquid and dried malt

Boiling helps separate out the trub (the gunk, mainly proteins) that collects at the bottom of the fermenter during fermentation. I assume that Morgan's caramalt is a liquid malt? Boiling may change the flavor slightly, but probably not enough to be discernable. Brewing at a temperature 3 to 4 degrees warmer will probably change the flavor more. Cover the boiling vessel loosely if you're worried about losing flavors, but bear in mind that the pot is much more likely to boil over and create one hell of a mess in the process.
It's not necessary to boil for a really long time unless you're brewing a malt extract beer, in which case a boil for 60 to 90 minutes is necessary to extract the hop bitterness and aroma. This boil must be done with the malt added because the hops do not release their bitter and aromatic oils fully unless malt is present.
Oliver

Improzyme - dry beer enzyme

Improzyme, if I'm thinking of the same thing, also goes by the name of “dry beer enzyme”. It is an enzyme that allows the yeast to break down more of the sugar in the malt and convert it to alcohol, resulting in a beer with a lighter body. I'm always a bit suspicious about adding these sorts of things to my beer. I prefer the malt, water, yeast and sugar (glucose/dextrose) approach. But at the end of the day, if you want to create a light-bodied beer, adding an enzyme is probably the best and easiest way to do it.
Oliver

Secondary fermentation

It sounds as if your place under the stairs is perfect. Don't lose any sleep over secondary fermentation. Leave the bottles in the lounge room or some other warmish place for a couple of days, then put 'em somewhere cool and dark. Our linen cupboard has long been the beer cupboard, much the the chagrin of the lady of the house.
Geoff

Improving beer and troubleshooting

It sounds like it wasn't finished fermenting when you bottled, or you put too much priming sugar in each bottle. You're probably lucky the bottles didn't explode. There is a chance you can save it. Put the beer in a really cold fridge to chill it right down. This will dissolve as much gas as possible in the beer. Then, carefully upcap a bottle and reseal it with a new cap. The chilling should stop or inhibit the foaming, enabling you to get the new cap on. Decanting the beer into a jug before pouring it into a glass might also help.

Mother of all Bombs?

Release some of the pressure (see previous answer), otherwise you definitely will get a MOAB (possibly the MOAB) in your shed. The alcohol resulting from the priming sugar is negligible. Adding more sugar to the fermenter when you mix all the ingredients is the way to boost alcohol.

Why does my beer taste like Vegemite?

I doubt very much whether the honey is the culprit. I suspect it's got to do with the brewing temperature. At higher temperatures, yeast produces off or yeasty tastes in the beers. Aim to brew your ales at 18-22C and lagers (when made with true lager yeast) about 15C. Most homebrew kits that claim to be “lagers” are in fact supplied with ale yeast, so if you brew them at 15C it will be too cold for the yeast and nothing will happen. To overcome this, try buying a sachet of lager yeast from the homebrew shop and using that instead of the supplied yeast. Saflager is probably the most widely available dried lager yeast, and will ferment down to about 13C. Also, what do you add to the kits when you brew? If you're using plain white sugar, this could be the cause of some unusual flavors. Try using glucose or dextrose instead, or one of the packs of brewing sugar that homebrew shops and some homebrew suppliers put out. Lastly, if you allow your homebrew to mature for about three months, you'll find that the yeasty flavors will likely have dissipated. It will also be a better, more rounded beer in most respects than if you'd drunk it earlier.

Getting better head

As for getting a good head on your bottled beer, try adding 100g or so of unmalted wheat to your recipes. If the unmalted wheat's not cracked, put it in a sturdy plastic bag and whack it with something like a rolling pin. Put the cracked grains in a litre or so of cold water and very slowly bring it almost to the boil. Turn off the heat and steep for half an hour or so before you strain it and add the liquid to the fermenter.
You can also get head improver for your beer, which is corn syrup. Try adding 500g or so to the brew when you're mixing it up. We tend not to use such things.
Another cause of poor head retention could be dirty glasses. A few tips: Don't wash beer glasses in the dishwasher; don't forget to rinse your glasses very well in hot water after washing; and let them drain upside down in a dish drainer or on a clean cloth.

Sudsy beer

I've had similar experiences once or twice. I don't think it's a problem with your bottle washing. I think it can be put down to the brewing temperature being too low. I'm not sure what cans of concentrate you're using, but most are shipped with ale yeasts. This means that the ideal brewing temperature is around 20C to 22C. Brewing at too low a temperature will, in my experience, lead to this “sudsy” finish that you describe.
The solution? One is to get your brew heated up to 20C to 22C. Put it in a warm part of the house (partner/flatmates willing), buy a brew heater or make a hot box (a tea chest with light globe inside). The other option is to use a lager yeast, which will ferment well at 15C. Your local homebrew shop probably has Saflager dried yeast, which will, it is claimed, ferment down to 10C. This will also give you a more authentic (crisper and less fruity) lager taste (as in Crown and West End). Cooper's Pilsner comes with a lager yeast that will work down to at least 13C.

Infected beer?

It does sound as if you might have had an infection. Do you bring all the ingredients to the boil before adding them to the fermenter? And you don't use tank water, do you, as this would have to be the worst for nasties that could ruin your brew (just think of all the muck and bacteria washed off your roof into your rainwater tank!). One place that people often forget about sterilising is the fermenter tap. I always take mine out and soak it in steriliser and run some solution through it before rinsing and refitting it just prior to brewing. Another source of infection can be the inside of the fermenter. If you clean it with a scourer, you'll scratch the inside, leaving little places for bacteria to hide.
I've had a similar exprience to you before, with a gassy beer, and suspect it might have been due to some type of infection. Do you take an SG reading before bottling? It's possible that the beer hadn't fermented out fully, which would have compounded the problem.

Flat beer

There are three possible reasons for the beer not being carbonated:
1. You're not adding enough sugar to the bottles.
2. You're adding enough sugar but the seal on the bottle isn't tight, so some of the air is escaping.
3. You're not leaving it long enough in a warm place to allow secondary fermentation in the bottle.
I'd try adding a LITTLE more sugar to each bottle to see if that helps. Don't add too much though, otherwise the bottles might explode.

Other

The best people to ask about organising your homebrew competition would be a supplier of homebrew products. We know that Cooper's Brewery in Australia provides posters, gives tips on running shows and provides prizes, if the show is of a certain size. We're sure other manufacturers would do similar.
We think that the following categories are good ones to start with: stout/dark ale, ale, lager (including “draught”), pilsner and wheat beer. They are pretty broad categories, but if you don't think you're going to get heaps of entries it's probably better starting off with broad categories so you get a few entries in each section, then making it more specific in years to come. Oliver

Top or bottom fermented?

Ale is top fermenting and lager bottom fermenting. Ale yeasts tend to give a more fruity flavour, while lagers give a crisper, drier finish. More and more, brewers are using a yeast in their beer that is traditionally not the yeast that would be used. For instance, while stout is traditionally an ale, Cascade Stout is make with a lager yeast, which presumably results in its crisper finish, which is very unlike the fruitier Cooper's Stout.
Oliver

Finding memorabilia

Brew Mall is probably your best bet. You should also think about contacting breweries directly. Most merchandise quite enthusiastically and are happy to send out things such as posters. As far as old memorabilia is concerned, in my experience it's really a case of trawling through markets, garage sales, etc.
Geoff

Does Lisa in the Cooper's video actually like beer?

With reference to the Cooper's homebrew instruction video: Have you seen Lisa taste the beer? She hardly goes near it, then when she does take a tiny little sip and it looks like her head is about to explode! She may be a good looker, but what good is she if she doesn't like beer!

It's funny you mention this, because Geoff and I noted the same suspicious look that she gave the beer as she brought it to her lips. We also noted that she never actually drank any. I met Paul Mercurio some time after he had filmed this video with her. I asked him about it and he confirmed my worst fears: SHE DOESN'T LIKE BEER. I also put it to a couple of people at Cooper's and they also said: YES, SHE DOESN'T LIKE BEER! So, I suppose that means, as you suggest, she's not much good at all.

What are IBUs

IBU stands for international bitterness unit. IBUs are the standard for measuring the bitterness of beers. It is related to the amount of bitter oil in the beer imparted during the boiling of the hops. As examples, a pilsner may have a bitterness of about 40 EBU; a stout 40 to 50 EBU; most English pale ales and bitters are 20 to 35 EBU; and mild ale 20 to 25 EBU.

Alcoholic green cordial

The SG readings would seem to indicate that fermentation hasn't begun very well, if at all. The bubbles indicate there may be some activity, although this may just be dissolved oxygen emerging. I trust that the temperature of the mixture is around about 20C? It isn't too cold for the yeast is it?
If the temperature is OK, I'd suggest there aren't enough minerals in the mixture for the yeast to do its work. Yeast needs some salts and minerals to multiply and work its magic. I'd make a trip to your local homebrew shop and purchase some yeast nutrients, which are usually in a pack about the size of a yeast sachet. Also purchase some more yeast and pitch that just to make sure.
Dissolve the nutrients in a little water and add it to the fermenter. Then add the new yeast and give it a vigorous stir to aerate the mixture. Again, yeast needs oxygen to multiply, but after that initial period doesn't need oxygen to convert the sugars to alcohol.
As long as you've had the fermenter sealed and sterilised everything well, I don't think you'll have any problems with infection.
A final consideration is that perhaps a preservative in the cordial is inhibiting or killing the yeast. If this is the case, there's not a lot you can do.
Oliver

Instructions for Beer Machine

Until now I had not hear of such a thing as the Beer Machine. But a search on Google quickly told me that there was a website called www.beermachine.com. The site has everything that you could possibly need to know about using the beer machine, including a brewing guide and questions and answers. Perhaps your local homebrew shop would be able to give some advice.
Oliver