DON'T BE IN SUCH A RUSH
> > > >A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a
> > > >card offering sexual services from a telephone box on
> > > >Piccadilly.
> > > >
> > > >Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a
> > > >silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of
> > > >assistance.
> > > >
> > > >The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary shag,
> > > >some doggie-style FUN, some mild bondage, and I think
> > > >I'd like to finish off with a boob wank. Is that OK"?
> > > >
> > > >The lady says: "It does sound intriguing sir, but you might like
> to
> >press 9 first to get an outside line."
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA
> appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a
> previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
>
> 1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in
> handguns.
> 2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
> 3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
> patrol
> car parked at the front door.
> 4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
> work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
> and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.
> The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with
> a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk
> with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew
> their guns, several of whom
> also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
>
> Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
> shop. The subsequent autopsy
> revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7
> different weapons. No one else was
> hurt in the exchange of fire.
>
> Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005
> winner of the
> Darwin Award. This guy is going to be hard to beat.
A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.
The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?"
The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."
He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."
"That will be $12.65" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"What'll it be today?" says the bartender.
"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man.
He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?"
"I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat.
"That will be $21.95" says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what
the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?"
"Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her
house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It
granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy
some-thing I would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".
What else did you ask for?"
"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Normell
Some jokes for ya
Some jokes for ya
"Every day above ground is a good day"
-
Oliver
- Administrator
- Posts: 3424
- Joined: Thursday Jul 22, 2004 1:22 am
- Location: West Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Nice one.
When I read the story about the robber I thought "Yeah, right". But it seems it's a true story (even if it's 15 years old):
http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp
Cheers,
Oliver
When I read the story about the robber I thought "Yeah, right". But it seems it's a true story (even if it's 15 years old):
http://www.snopes.com/crime/dumdum/gunshop.asp
Cheers,
Oliver
A quick fairytale
A man was deeply in love with a woman.
He asked her to marry him and live together forever.
She said no.
He lived happily ever after.
A man was deeply in love with a woman.
He asked her to marry him and live together forever.
She said no.
He lived happily ever after.
Evo wrote:I'd suggest you swallow a packet of Safale (your body temp would be too hot for a lager yeast) and some finishing hops and call me tomorrow.
-
Dogger Dan
- Posts: 3168
- Joined: Thursday Aug 26, 2004 10:43 am
- Location: Lucan, Ontario, Canada
-
peterd
- Posts: 238
- Joined: Thursday Apr 07, 2005 10:46 am
- Location: Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia
tommo,
if you are still married, might be best to keep the elephant away from this site
And maybe you should look at getting her booked into Mackay Hospital for some initially minor, but probably ultimately terminal, medical procedure. Whoops, bad form that. Wished I knew have to logout halfway through a post!
if you are still married, might be best to keep the elephant away from this site
And maybe you should look at getting her booked into Mackay Hospital for some initially minor, but probably ultimately terminal, medical procedure. Whoops, bad form that. Wished I knew have to logout halfway through a post!
peterd
Sometimes I sits and drinks, and sometimes I just sits
(with apologies to Satchel Paige)
Sometimes I sits and drinks, and sometimes I just sits
(with apologies to Satchel Paige)
-
nanna Gail
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Friday Feb 04, 2005 10:58 pm
- Location: Dandenong-ish
Beer Drinkers Prayer
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive them that spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the Bitter, the Lager
BARMEN
Our Lager
Which art in barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the pub
Give us this day our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive them that spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer, the Bitter, the Lager
BARMEN
enjoy life
-
Dogger Dan
- Posts: 3168
- Joined: Thursday Aug 26, 2004 10:43 am
- Location: Lucan, Ontario, Canada
Talking of bridges, in Sydney the other day, a Yank got in a taxi and told the driver his destination, as they went past the bridge the Yank said, " what the hell is that thing? The cabbie replied "That's the Sydney harbour bridge, pretty great engineering feat in it's time, they started at each side and met in the middle, did it pretty good time too!" "That's nuthin'" said the Yank. "We got bridges twice that size and we build 'em in a few months." as they proceeded past the Opera House, the same sort of conversation went on. A bit further on the Yank spotted the Centrepoint Tower, "What in tarnation is that?" asked the Yank, the Cabbie replied,"Stuffed if I know, it wasn't there yesty!"
Ross
-
nanna Gail
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Friday Feb 04, 2005 10:58 pm
- Location: Dandenong-ish
Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy, the Irishman, felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at dat," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy, the Irishman, felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at dat," says Paddy, "I'm getting a fax."
enjoy life
For all the golfers out there or their patient loving wives...
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one heck of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one heck of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
Some people say I have a drinking Problem....
I drink, I get drunk, I fall over....
What's the problem?
http://www.brodiescastlebrewing.com/
I drink, I get drunk, I fall over....
What's the problem?
http://www.brodiescastlebrewing.com/
Noah In 2005
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
- I needed a building permit.
- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.
- I needed a building permit.
- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.
- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Some people say I have a drinking Problem....
I drink, I get drunk, I fall over....
What's the problem?
http://www.brodiescastlebrewing.com/
I drink, I get drunk, I fall over....
What's the problem?
http://www.brodiescastlebrewing.com/
-
nanna Gail
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Friday Feb 04, 2005 10:58 pm
- Location: Dandenong-ish
This will bring tears to a grown mans eyes
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor."It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK," says the doctor,"but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation and the next day
he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart,
down the hospital corridor with his IV stand.
Heading toward him is another patient,
who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"SHIT, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor."It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK," says the doctor,"but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation and the next day
he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart,
down the hospital corridor with his IV stand.
Heading toward him is another patient,
who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"SHIT, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
enjoy life
-
Oliver
- Administrator
- Posts: 3424
- Joined: Thursday Jul 22, 2004 1:22 am
- Location: West Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
This is very un-PC, but what the heck, it's my forum!
Two Iraqis land in the West and promise to meet in five years at the same spot.
Abdul says they should make a bet as to who would be the most assimilated.
The bet is on.
Five years later, they meet. Abdul has a black-and-white scarf that is odd in the heat. He says: "I follow Aussie rules, and barrack for Collingwood. I am a member and go to every game. I eat a pie and have a can of VB every quarter and my kids play in the half time little league, hows that for Australian.
His mate looks at him and says: f--- off towel head.
Two Iraqis land in the West and promise to meet in five years at the same spot.
Abdul says they should make a bet as to who would be the most assimilated.
The bet is on.
Five years later, they meet. Abdul has a black-and-white scarf that is odd in the heat. He says: "I follow Aussie rules, and barrack for Collingwood. I am a member and go to every game. I eat a pie and have a can of VB every quarter and my kids play in the half time little league, hows that for Australian.
His mate looks at him and says: f--- off towel head.