In the interests of closure, I have taken the liberty of combining the first story.
Very funny...!
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The old man brewed a very big malty lager, containing lots of hops but unfortunately he added melted chocolate to the brew which reacted with the Belgian Saaz to create something the world has never seen before. It can only be described as an attempt to destroy the planet but then again it's friggin delicious, so his mother added more of the Vitamin B which in turn helped him to cure his hangovers. This then allowed him to go for a run ashore with his stolen treasure and unbeknownst to him, an empty chest!
However, disappointment turned into ecstacy when he tasted the rum, sweet rum that was hidden deep down in the stormwater drain under the city where he lives with his eccentric and gigantic, blue tongue lizard, but this lizard was unlike any lizard - it could talk and it drank anything but VB. As he ran, and fell over he exclaimed slurringly, Bugger!? Then he got back up and opened a Coopers Pale Ale.
The spambot then Smothered the lizard With Pam Anderson's massively oversized and very full.......chequebook.
Katie Holmes screamed "I forgot my liquid malt extract†whilst filming a clip touching her can of VB.
The End. BUT
One rainy May morning she tried to climb a tall oak tree to harvest hops that had climbed up her oversized muffin. So tasty were the flowers that she licked with lizardlike dexterity the pollen from her tender flower insofar as she was able (naturally). Her lizardlike dexterity enabled her to lick her own er, uhh, hops that gave her a green tongue and big smile with an enticing lust for more childish like behaviour.
Soon, the city fell prey to a flying octopus that had amazing... super razor sharp and fitting insults (e.g., septic tank!) that it cast at Tom Cruise.
Tom cried tears whilst furniture-jumping with Oprah and spouting scientologist doctrine to unresponsive masses whom swilled beer and violently spewed VB, Bud, and pizza with carrots. These particular carrots where no ordinary carrots. They could strip paint off an army tank. A perfect ingredient in carrot pizza from Grumpy's Brewhaus is NOT honey or is it? Perhaps it could…
After dinner, TomKat... unthinkably decided to (I'm embarrassed immensely so I'll disrupt this wonderful tale...) drink warm VB with Hershey's chocolate and film themselves vomiting out all the chocolatey vileness. They decided beer was a sin but being evil Katie said, "I really really wanna quaff a pint down! down! down!†to hell she'll fly to avenge send spam emails.
"Spammers!" Katie cried. "no....... i love Spam with Vegemite, baked beans, sausages, washed down with a nice refreshing beer racked onto raspberry chocolate cake, saflager onion soup, and two fingerbunsâ€.
“Get a life†yelled Ben Cousins as the media started losing interest in Ben's enormous bag of powder. “But I've changed my pink panties cos they were full of yeast.â€
At this point the readers yawned it was late so the folks decided to open their hearts to our lord Jesus who tasted like a cane toad with hallucinogenic effects boiled in VB - still tasted crap, like tooheys kits expired in 2002 almost rusted through with a turd looking uncannily like a certain bloke from… let’s see… (bugger, writers block) decided to eat the aforementioned turd, straight from the shiny white porcelain periwinkle pattern cuspidor… pass the ketchup.
The dreamer awakened to a sight beyond his wildest dreams... (drum roll)... a nice glass of cold water impregnated sponge cake baked from trub. But this was no ordinary sponge. It had seventeen months in fermenter so it would taste like Kip's flaking, rotting skin yet strangely enough KIP's skin tastes like Victoria Bitter three years expired better than POR and perfect for unexpected visitors that stay for months.
Meanwhile, KIP's proctologist give it up for the secretary because the boss was too caring and also gay with terminal leprosy "time for another....... beer or four or five or maybe a brew made from dark, dark roasted malt and Doggers honey mixed with lots of jalapeno chillis and essences of sautéed kangaroo entrails banished from Casablanca with Ric's entrails stewed with orange fetid dingo kidneys although the yeast grew like a hopped mushroom fungus at nineteen degrees in Peter Costello's useless fat arse.â€
“Back to beer†said Bob Hawke on the piss whilst sculling a big glass of Hoegaarden forbidden fruit whilst munching on Hazel's perfect round set of three (yes, three!) cantaloupes.
Oliver woke up to the Millennium Falcon, flying gracefully to the stars and beyond the edge of space. Luke Sykwalker pleaded “I need BEER!!â€
Geoff came to the rescue with refreshingly cool Coopers, toast, and Vegemite.
“Brekky of champions†cried Steve Waugh's prototype robotic head. "AHM", said Steve….
morgs then kills the story with a seven-word post: "i did this when i was five!" 
But you`d better tell that morgs character the same thing. 
