Three engineering students were sitting in a bar discussing who could have made the human body.
The first one says it must have been a mechanical engineer look at all the joints,
The second says nah! it must have been an electrical engineer, look at the nervous system it has tens of thousands of electrical connections.
The third said, I think you are both wrong, it could have only been a civil engineer, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
A beer in the hand is worth two in George Bush...
"They say beer will make me dumb. It are go good with pizza"
Psychostick
In ancient Greece, there was a chicken farmer. The man was well-off and had over 300 chickens to his name, along with a big strapping monster of a rooster that kept his hens churning out eggs each day. The work was good and he was growing wealthier each day, until as Murphy's Law dictates, dissaster happened.
The odl farmer woke up one morning to find his prize rooster dead in a heap. With great sadness he buried the bird, then quickly ran to town to find another. Unfortunately, he lives in a quiet hamlet area, and there are not many places that sell roosters. Still, he lucked upon one seller who had several in cages. Explaining the urgency of the matter, the farmer demanded the very best rooster he had.
"Well," said the seller, "You seem to be an honest fellow, and in dire troublke, so I will sell you my finest bird." with that, he pulled from one of his cages the biggest, meanest rooster that the farmer had ever laid eyes on. The thing was a powerhouse of muscle with a heavy red breast and talons that would have looked normal on an eagle. It's comb was brilliant red and it's eyes flashed with barely restrained fury. "This is Leonidas, named after the famed Spartan king of old." said the seller with pride in his eyes. The farmer bought the majestic rooster on the spot and immediately went home to put the big fellow to work. He set Leonidas free in the pen, and the Rooster immediately began to strut about, puffing up his feathers and eyeing over every hen in the place. He clucked and cawed and put on a great show for about half an hour, then went to work. He leapt onto the back of the nearest hen, crowed once, then keeled over dead.
The farmer was outraged. He dragged the dead bird back to the seller, threw him up onto the counter and hsouted, "YOU SOLD ME A BUNK BIRD! LOOK AT HIM! He didn't even get it up before the buzzard dropped dead!" The seller was begging for pardon as best he could against the tirade. Not wanting to be seen as a cheat, he appologized profusely and offered the farmer a second bird. Even bigger than the first one, this Rooster was black throughout with gigantic muscular ring. It even had a band of spiked leather around it's neck and legs. "This is a Scythian bird, brought all the way from the Northlands. I promise you he won't dissapoint," cried the seller. The Farmer was overjoyed at his luck, and immediately brought the bird back.
He was in an even greater mood when he saw that the big Scythian didn;t do any of the strutting about that it's predecesor had done. Instead, he went straight to work, mounting hens left, rioght and center. He was just finishing his sixth and aiming for the seventh when he stumbled and fell to the ground, deader than a doornail.
To say that the farmer was furious would be an understatement. He ran back to the seller's stall, threw the bird at him and threatened to have the man drawn and quartered for his thievery. The seller cried that he had only one rooster left, and if it would not do the job that he would return all the Farmer's money and give him another ten hens besides.
The farmer has no choice but to accept the deal, and so he demanded to see this third bird. WIth great regret the seller drew out the Rooster. It was old, shaky when standing... it's comb drooped sadly and it looked like he had recieved more than a fair share of abuse from the two bird birds Leonidas and the Scythian. "This is.. Polyphagus. He is the last I can offer you, I am sorry..." said the seller, meekly. The Farmer was disgusted. "Polyphagus. A sorry name for a sorry excuse for a bird. STill, I have to have my eggs, so let's see how long this... thing will last."
The Farmer brought Polyphagus home, and set him into the pen. He had little desire to wtach the show, expecting the same thing to happen again. But, just as he was going back inside his home for suppe,r he glanced over his shoulder. He saw Polyphagus standing in the middle of the hen coop, tall and proud despite his old and beaten frame. He looked about with a smile on his beak and a glint in his eye... and the Farmer watched with awe as the bird started leaping onto the hens. It was incredible. One dozen, two dozen, five, Polyphagus was roaring through the hens, leaving them scattered and upended all over the floor. He must have lost count because when he was through them all, he went through them a second time!
The Farmer, not wanting his hens to die from exhaustion caught Polyphagus and shut him up inside the toolshed for the night. He was feeling extremely pleased with the bird and slept easy that night, knowing that he was going to continue to grow rich.
The next morning he collected his eggs and let Polyphagus free. The bird didn't even blink as he raced out of the hsed and slammed into the hens like he was shot from a catapult. Chickens went flying everywhere, wings flapping and dazed grins on their faces. This time Polyphagus went through all of the hens and the family dog and was setting his sights on the donkey before the farmer finally caught him and threw him back into the shed.
The Morning after this, the farmer went outside to take his stock, and noticed with horror that Polyphagus had gotten out. The wily old bird had bored a hole clean through the side of the shed. CHickens lay scattered all over the grounds and roof, their legs in teh air, panting hard and silly grins on them. The dog was sitting in the far corner of the barn, shivering and shaking and looking terrified. The donkey had a strange look on it;s face as it sat with it';s haunches in it's water trough. The hole in the fence showed where Polyphagus had escaped.
Crying out with grief at the loss of such a prized Rooster, the farmer saddled the donkey and quickly tried to follow the bird. It wasn;t difficult to pick up his trail; all along his path animals lay in states of shock. There a porcupine lay on it's back, blinking and trying to catch it's breath; here a pair of badgers looked around, completely bewildered and looking quite saddlesore. The farmer saw a big old hoary brute of a boar, walking across the path with a funny waddle and trying hard to suppress a grin.
It was as the farmer rounded a copse of trees that he saw the object he sought. Polyphagus lay in the center of the road, it's legs straight up in the air, his wings spread and his tongue poking out the side of his beak. A trio of buzzards were cirlcing overhead, decending to make a feast of the rooster's carcase. The farmer slipped off the donkey and fell to his knees at the sight, crying out with grief at the loss of such a wonderful bird.
Then Polyphagus opened one eye, locked it on the Farmer, nudged his beak skyward and said "Shut up you old fool, do you want to scare them away?!"
"I'm a Troubleshooter: I hunt down trouble, and I shoot it. In the FACE!"
gregb wrote:A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?
　　B: Friends, of course.
　　A: Why?
　　B: I can always borrow money from friends.
Cheers,
Greg
But if I had enough money I could buy some new friends
Chris wrote: Just a 'footy' jumper and a case of MB.
Does anyone actually drink that stuff? I assumed people only bought it once they were already plastered and just used it for spilling on their clothes/friends.
T.
Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
-- The Twelfth Night, William Shakespeare
